Menopause! There, I said it.

I was most unprepared in life…

…for what would happen to my body and psyche at this age.

I was cocky and took my well-being for granted. I’ve always been super healthy — eating healthy, exercising, practices…

I saw it happen to others when I was younger and thought, it won’t happen to me.

What am I talking about?

A thing that’s so easy to glance over, which is exactly what led me to the predicament I’m in.

Menopause.

It’s a portal no less impactful or significant than puberty. And it’s hard to pay attention to it.

Do you remember the quagmire of adolescence? The insane inner conflicts, chaos, and change?

But this change, rather than being a portal into fertility, is an unplugging.

Unplugging from everything that doesn’t work.
Unplugging from what doesn’t infuse life.
Unplugging from what doesn’t give back.

It’s a portal of grief. The losses one must go through, with no choice, seemingly out of nowhere, are out of control. Like, you finally land in becoming a badass in your 40s only to hit a wall in your 50s where you lose focus, drive, and the sense of well-being.

I feel betrayed by my body and sometimes by life. Who I’ve been and identified deeply with for 35 years is gone. I wasn’t prepared for this.

I didn’t know that who I had identified as was simply a phase, not really Me.

I felt solid in my 40s and now I’m in confusion, grasping, and seeking. Totally unexpected.

I grieve the losses as hot and heavy hormonal urges slip into the background, as the body loses elasticity, height, hair, the ease of sleep, metabolism tanks… and the list goes on.

It’s not about vanity, or how media trains us to think of what’s beautiful. It’s an inner reality of massive change. How I feel, think, and my sense of well-being — in a tidal shift.

I had no idea it would be like this. I didn’t think it would happen to me. I feel great loss.

And on the flip side — and there always is one…

I welcome the wisdom, how easy it is to not be fooled by BS, to not be pulled into things that don’t give back or truly interest me. No guilt. Freedom.

I welcome the deepening of the well.
The sitting inside myself and not being shaken.

For a lifetime of overcaring… to not care as much. But to care when it truly matters. To care not out of duty, obligation, or “shoulds,” but when something stirs my heart and soul. No explanation or excuses needed.

It’s like a big permission slip to be oneself — more of oneself.

There’s a new horizon of reckoning. I can now see the limits of life, energy, and years… which makes me sit and reflect about what I still need to experience while I’m alive, while I’m still here. What’s left? What’s my purpose now? What brings meaning, what doesn’t?

I don’t have children, so what will I leave behind? Is that important to me — to leave something behind? To be remembered in some way? Why?

If you’re a younger woman, I hope you read this and take it to heart. Enjoy what you have now. Appreciate it.

And if you’re my sister going through this with me, you might be called to join me in an Intentional Creativity® painting process centered around parts work (Internal Family Systems / IFS). We’ll spend an afternoon together over Zoom, exploring and befriending all these parts that are swarming around us, and you’ll walk away with a talisman painting that anchors some wisdom you discover during the process.

No painting experience or parts work experience is needed. Just bring the desire to discover how well-being lives in you now, today.

I’m an Intentional Creativity® teacher in training, bringing my background in the healing arts, coaching, IFS, and other practices into a painting process I call Paint Your Parts.